When I was a kid, sleep was a necessary evil that I sought to avoid at all costs. I took forever to go to bed, and even longer to go to sleep, reading books in the dark and all sorts.
When I was in my late teens, sleep existed for the sole purpose of being a momentary pause between social engagements. I remember one summer that life seemed to be little more than work, party, crash on someone’s floor for a couple of hours, get up, go to work, party, crash on someone’s floor for a couple of hours, get up, go to work, party….
And back then I loved it that way. Even when I was 20 something with a job, I was always a morning person. I could wake up at 5 am quite happily and potter around, until the rest of the world caught up. It was almost like I was afraid that I’d miss out on the best of my life if I “wasted” it all on sleep.
Maybe its because in this season of life it feels like I am not giving up sleep, but sacrificing it, losing it – that it (not having much sleep) doesn’t feel so good anymore. Or maybe its because my sleep is interrupted with the piercing cries of a little baby. A bit like an electric shock.
Maybe its because even when that little baby is sleeping, I still wake up expecting her to wake up crying at any moment.
I tell you there’s something really sad about being awake at 3 am listening to your family sleeping. Talk about missing out on all the fun.
Suddenly in this season of life, sleep is a wonderful thing. If you can get it. In fact its more than wonderful. Its an obsession. It’s as though the measure of your proficiency as a parent, and the overall potential of your child is determined by how long your child sleeps at night. If your kid sleeps through – its like all is well with the world, and you are fabulous. If it doesn’t, well…..
It’s incredible what sleep deprivation does to your sense of perspective.
“Now…I am ready to go to bed.I am ready to tuck myself in and sleep until I am told to get up and start the day. And I won’t mess around, and I won’t read in the dark. I’ll just sleep, I promise. If you’ll let me just go now, please, let me sleep now, I’ll be quiet, I’ll be good. I’ll even sleep til midday if you want!”
I open my eyes and I realise I am not talking to relatives, or big siblings. I am pleading with a beautiful 5 month old who is smiling and giggling and kicking her dinky legs and reaching out her chubby arms to me, which would be heartachingly wonderful if it was DAYTIME and not 3.12AM or something like that.
Like I said, its incredible what sleep deprivation does to your sense of perspective.
The experts over here have lowered the bar somewhat – “sleeping through the night” actually refers to a 5 – 6 hour stretch. But if your kid goes to sleep at 7pm and wakes up at 1am, its hardly “through the night”, is it? At the end of the day – you want to go to bed and wake up in the part of the morning where its not still dark outside and you actually feel rested. Or at least , that’s what I want to do now.
