Walking in the Desert of Transition

Over 2 years ago I felt ready to move on with my life.  I’d always felt I may be spending my life in a hot poor country with kids in need, and after a few trips to Mozambique this felt more definite.

As marriage was not happening, as I’d gone as far as I wanted to in my church – I’d had free run to set up my own ministry, I’d had freedom to lead small mission teams to international destinations – I was bored and needed something new.  As the doors opened for me to do the mission school in Mozambique, this was it.  I handed over ministry, I rented out my house, I sold my car, got rid of so much stuff and off I went for 3 months to come back to what I thought would be weeks. These weeks became a year and a half – in that time was another 3 months in Mozambique, 3 weeks in India and multiple trips to the States.  So much of the Lord’s blessing was in the places I went, the miracles I got to be part of, the things I saw and the amazing people I met along the way.

However what also came along was pain – pain in the lack of directions of my life, pain in being laid aside, shame in being no one. I’d always tried to help people find a plan, find direction, after all that had been part of my ‘job’ I thought – and here I am floating…even worse than floating, so angry with God… although God is clearly saying to me He’s so jealous for me, that’s why He’s not releasing me yet, that is why He’s not just letting me loose. Deep down I know if He did send me off, release me to go I would just become task and crisis orientated and burn out and be cross with God.

So how do we deal with transition when we don’t know where we are going? How do we be real and not just feel so frustrated, laid aside and ashamed?  It’s made me see how much of me relating to God was all about who I should be, what I should do, what was validating me.  Although I talked about relationship with God, I needed a ‘direction’ to validate me.

What I’m beginning to wonder is how much of staying in this desert is down to me – down to me dealing with my pain, down to me admitting my failure, down to me avoiding me really going to God.  For nearly six months now I’ve been stuck on Psalm 27…different parts on different days and weeks…however it’s verse 4 that gets me….to seek Him in his temple all the days of my life, to gaze upon his beauty….these words can now roll off my tongue…..however what is being to sink in is that this is the whole point of everything…this is it!!!!

But how hard is it to stay in the place of doing that, how much easier is it to have ‘a plan’ and therefore feel angry and have a ‘stand off; with God for not giving me a plan, because deep down this is easier than sitting at his feet. That’s the part that involves dealing with pain, being real, being laid aside, going unnoticed, feeling ‘useless’, feeling insecure, being hidden, allowing Him to truly search my heart – and what is coming out is not pretty and part of me would rather it be hidden by ‘ministry’ if I’m being really truthful.

There is a verse in proverbs that says the heart is deceitful above all. How much of this time do I truly convince myself that in seeking a plan, I am seeking Him.

I don’t want to wait in this desert a minute longer than necessary, I don’t want to be like the Israelites and wait 40 years for what can be done in days.  I want to live up to the prayers I prayed, the prayers of search my heart, use me however you like, don’t let me walk outside your will, it’s all about you Lord, wherever, whatever, whenever Lord.

The question I’m coming to in seeking direction of what to do, where to go is what am I really seeking? And am I truly willing to pay the price of just seeking Him in His temple to gaze upon his beauty!

How much easier is it to yet again check facebook and skype and continue on in ‘pain’ than sit at his feet…talking to him about the pain? How much easier is it to talk to people about it, to try and get my friends alongside with me, to help me regulate and justify the pain than go straight to one who can make it better?  How much am I prolonging my anxiety and dissatisfaction and disillusion by my own choices!!!