”Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12
Boy meets girl, so its love, marriage, babies, right? I just expected it to happen. So why wasn’t it happening?
I was single for eight years before I met my husband, and if I’m honest I was probably happy about being single for about three, maybe four of those years. It’s not that I wasn’t happy in general, or didn’t have a good life. But I wasn’t happy about that area. It’s funny how you can have a blissfully happy existence and an area of heartbreak at the same time. But I did, each side threatening to collide at any given moment.
In my much younger not -quite-following- Jesus years, singleness was sexy and sassy. It was fun, flirty and risky, and I thrived on it. But when I returned to the Lord, I really wasn’t sure where my sexuality fit, or how I expressed it as a single woman. So I kind of felt “nothingy”, and asexual inside, as though that was somehow holier. Maybe I dressed more conservatively; I was definitely better behaved. I was certainly not any more whole as a woman. I was just insecure about who I was meant to be.
Singleness became the battleground for my relationship with God. It defined whether I thought He was faithful; it was where I wrestled and wept over unanswered prayer. The place where my faith rose and fell, even staggered from time to time. Would I follow Him wherever He led, or was I just too disappointed in Him?
Sometimes I was consumed by loneliness. I went to friend’s weddings, happy for them, sad for me. I wanted someone who was mine, to share life with, to dream, even argue with. I was embarrassed for feeling odd and sad, knowing I cried tears over something I didn’t even understand.
Proverbs: 13:12
Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick (MSG)
Not getting what you want can make you feel sick (CEV)
I was “heartsick”. My expectations had not been met and the disappointment wore me down. My heart which, in Biblical terms, contained my thoughts, emotions, w ill, desires was worn out and debilitated. Heartsickness spilled out in cynical words and bitter memories, angry at men and the injustice of it all. Eventually I was on my knees again before the One who could heal and restore me.
What do you do with heartsickness?
What do you do with heartsickness? Does anyone have an answer??????
Hi there Jackie – I think depending on who we’re heartsick about – its something of a process! I think admitting it helps, and gives us some perspective. Sometimes there is some grieving to do, which is painful, but I believe is a helpful part of the process, a gift even.
I found the following really helpful:
honest conversations with God,
some trusted friends who would affirm you, encourage you, but be willing to challenge you and not indulge you – not and easy combination!
embracing the life I had today, not just the one I wanted someday – I needed to to own my life and be thankful for it. Here I learned to take my life off hold and do the things I’d longed for like travel and take risks etc
find a helpful way of engaging with the guy thing – by this I mean I had some unhelpful ideas and attitudes and habit which made this harder – I hated to admit it but sometimes, I was not only part of the problem; I WAS the problem! So I needed to work on that…
In the midst of this there were great days and low days – but the best thing was I wasn’t defined by my relational status – and that was wonderfully liberating!
Much love Jackie x