30 December 2006 is a day which changed my life forever and the consequences of which meant that nothing in my life will ever be the same again. My beautiful husband of 18 months, John, died aged 28, of illness, with no warning. I was 6 months pregnant at the time.
The time that has passed since that day has been full of indescribable pain, total and overwhelming love, loneliness, hope, despair, confusion, unbelievable anger and questioning things to distraction!
Not only did I lose my best friend, my lover, my companion and my favourite person but I also lost the father of my child, my hopes and dreams for the future, I lost my home, I lost the belief and hope that life is fundamentally good and safe, the very grounds of all that I had believed and based my life upon had been shaken to the core.
But two years and nearly four months on I can sit here and say that I am a truly blessed woman – I knew the love of an amazing man who gave me so much. Although the time we spent together was so short in terms of my potential life span the impact he had on my life will always be immense. I have been given the most beautiful daughter. I have known the love of friends, family and strangers to a point were I am often reduced to tears. I have been blessed with deepened friendships, healed friendships, new friendships, which even in my anger towards God reminded me deep down that God does provide and does restore. I have known material provision. I have known protection emotionally. The prayers, the words, the gifts, the experiences and the people that have blessed me could in themselves fill a book .
What I have known above all else, even in the midst of my biggest tantrums towards God, is that his everlasting arms are holding me. It has been a difficult journey back to trusting God again and at times I feared I would never get back there. There are still moments when I scream “why have you let this happen to my lovely family?”,” what did I do to deserve this?”, “are you trustworthy for my future?”
I may never know this side of heaven why John was taken from me but I have to chose to believe that through God life can be good again, I can love again, I can have more children, I can know deep joy again, that God can heal the hurt and pain and bring good from it all but it is not easy to do that. It is a choice I have to make every day but I need to choose it because I know that I want a better life for me and my little girl and not a life of bitterness. I know as been proved time and time again in my life over the last few years I cannot do that without him.
What can i say? Quite lost for words. You have shown me through sharing some of your story an awe-inspiring strength and dignity in you that moves me unbelievably. Thankyou for sharing this, thankyou for your honesty, for choosing the way of walking each day alongside the Saviour who through Him alone joy and hope can be restored. Bless you Becky xxxx
this is truly one of the most humbling and inspiring things I have read – you are amazing, thank you for your vulnerability and honesty x
I love you Beck, Val x
Becky,your post not only shows me the courage in you but it gives me more faith in God and the way He transforms. Thank you, and thank you for telling me about this site too.xx