A few weeks ago I had a bit of a car crash. Nothing serious, just a momentary error meeting someone else’s momentary error, resulting in a squashed bumper and loss of no claims bonus! What was interesting about the whole event though was my reaction to it. Once I’d gotten over the initial shock, with the mandatory cup of tea (and a ginger biscuit for sugar), my main concern was not my bumper or my car insurance but my dented pride. “How could I have made such a stupid mistake? What will people say? How could this happen to me when I’m generally such a careful driver?”… etc etc! This type of response to mistakes is quite normal for me and it exemplifies my perfectionist tendencies. I’m simply not allowed to make mistakes and when I (inevitably) do make mistakes they take on momentous significance and I’m often plagued by feelings of shame and guilt.
Why such an over reaction? Because, deep down, I’m still basing my identity upon my behaviour, my abilities, my successes, and this forms part of a vicious cycle. When my identity is based upon what I do I’m focussing on myself. When I start focussing on myself I can very quickly become motivated by pride and so I start demanding perfection. The more I operate out of a perfectionist nature the more I focus on myself and so the cycle repeats.
But as I spent time thinking about the roots of these struggles God spoke to me more about my identity. He spoke to me about being made from “dust and ashes” (Gen 18:27) and how it is His breath in me that is the source of my life (Gen 2:7). I began to see that the very foundation of my identity is found in my connection to and relationship with the God who made me. Humbled, I began to feel a huge release, and I realised that when my focus is upon God, worshiping Him and walking with Him, my identity ceases to be about me! My motivation becomes love (Matt 22:37) and my drive is now towards obedience. Obedience is completely opposite to perfectionism. Perfectionism is rooted in pride and is a way of seeking to glorify yourself. Obedience is rooted in love and seeks to glorify God. And the more I operate out of a desire to walk in obedience, the more He becomes my focus and so the cycle repeats.
Breaking down the old cycle has not been an over night miracle. It involves some work and some time. Practically speaking, for me this has meant taking a minute each morning to consciously decide that the purpose of my day is to worship and glorify God, and so I shift my focus from myself to Him. And it’s really helping, but I know I’m going to have to keep doing it to see lasting change.
Having said that, as I’ve meditated on these pictures over the last week a great sense of security has settled in my heart. My feet are now on solid rock as I’ve discovered something wonderful. I know now that in essence my identity never changes. Whether I’m the tea lady or the managing director, a secretary or the Prime Minister, achieve 100% or 10%, dent my bumper or write off my car…my identity never changes. Why? Because God, the source and focus of my identity, never changes. Thank the LORD for that!
Thank you Jess!
As a fellow perfectionist, I know exactly what you mean. We begin to hate the thought of being seen to make mistakes, far far more than worrying about whether we are seen to be glorifying God.
Let’s pray that we strive to focus on God and his love for us, and that THAT will be the source of our identity, not whether we meet the ridiculous levels of perfection we set for ourselves!