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PPD, PND


Every once in awhile something happens.Something unexpected, that could change the paradigm you live in forever. It could be something wonderful, like getting married. Or it could be something devastating like a bereavement. Whatever it is, its one of those moments when time stands still and you are face to face with a different kind of future. The New Testament calls events like these “kairos”.

Zoë arrived early in a way that kind of seemed prophetic about her personality. Understated, but definite; straightforward and assured. She was so quick and so there that it seemed strange to think that she was new. The moment she rested on my chest, all covered in goo, she had always been. After the euphoria came the inevitable come down, the baby blues. Except this time, they seemed to linger. The temporary blues, became a heavy grey blanket that slowly began to unfold and then cover me, surround me, even consume me. Without warning, everyday functional tasks were insurmountable, impossible. I was afraid, uncertain and unconfident. Covered and smothered in grey.

Time stood still. Chronologically the days continued, of course. There were shades of grey days, very dark days, glimpses of light days. But time, kairos time, stood still.

And there… in that kairos, God met me.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
He met me in our doctor, a gentle man, a great listener. He met me in the diagnosis – post – partum depression (or post natal if you are English). He met me in my prescription. I remember leaving the doctor’s office feeling relieved; it was the first thing that had made sense to me in weeks. He met me in my husband in whose ears he whispered months before to tell him this would happen, and prepared him in advance. He met me in friends who asked if I was OK, and then didn’t ask but just helped me do stuff. He met in the counselor that the doc advised that I found. He met me in a sermon on Luke 5 that Paul Sorensen preached on the paralysed man. He met me in 29th Chapter’s version of Tim’s song “When Silence Falls” that was on repeat in my car for a month. He met me on my own. He met me in my gorgeous girls, and in the fact that through it all I never felt disconnected from them. Not for a second. It was a gift and I was grateful.
He met me with fresh new words to old stories, old memories, old wounds. He met me as a mum, he met me as his daughter. And as time stood still, he set me free.
This was not the first time God has moved in my life, not by any stretch. Nor did it make me question the authenticity of our relationship before. Had I been faking it? No, of course not. I do think though, that I underestimated what this phase of life would bring to the surface. I was aiming to get here for so long that I guess I never thought about that!!! And I didn’t need to think about it. I’m just glad that now I am here, He is still here, holding my time in his hands.
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
Once in awhile something unexpected happens. It could be good, it could be awful. It could happen in a moment, or like this (kairos) be a journey. And it can change how you see things forever. Because God – God is there.
God. God is here.
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