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Heartsickness

 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12

Boy meets girl, so its love, marriage, babies, right? I just expected it to happen. So why wasn’t it happening?

I was single for eight years before I met my husband, and if I’m honest I was probably happy about being single for about three,  maybe four of those years. It’s not that I wasn’t happy in general, or didn’t have a good life. But I wasn’t happy about that area. It’s funny how you can have a blissfully happy existence and an area of heartbreak at the same time. But I did, each side threatening to collide at any given moment.

In my much younger not -quite-following- Jesus years, singleness was sexy and sassy. It was fun, flirty and risky, and I thrived on it. But when I returned to the Lord, I really wasn’t sure where my sexuality fit, or how I expressed it as a single woman. So I kind of felt “nothingy”, and asexual inside, as though that was somehow holier. Maybe I dressed more conservatively; I was definitely better behaved. I was certainly not any more whole as a woman. I was just insecure about who I was meant to be.

Singleness became the battleground for my relationship with God. It defined whether I thought He was faithful; it was where I wrestled and wept over unanswered prayer. The place where my faith rose and fell, even staggered from time to time.  Would I follow Him wherever He led, or was I just too disappointed in Him?

Sometimes I was consumed by loneliness. I went to friend’s weddings, happy for them, sad for me.  I wanted someone who was mine, to share life with, to dream, even argue with. I was embarrassed for feeling odd and sad, knowing I cried tears over something I didn’t even understand.

Proverbs: 13:12

Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick (MSG)

Not getting what you want can make you feel sick (CEV)

I was “heartsick”.  My expectations had not been met and the disappointment wore me down. My heart which, in Biblical terms, contained my thoughts, emotions, w ill, desires  was worn out and debilitated. Heartsickness spilled out in cynical words and bitter memories, angry at men and the injustice of it all.  Eventually I was on my knees again before the One who could heal and restore me.

What do you do with heartsickness?

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