Who me? Am I allowed to do this? Am I called to be this? Should I want to do this?
No. Surely it’s just my own selfish ambition. Crying out for attention. AGAIN.
So why won’t it go away?
Why does it fill me so, compel me so feel like fire breaking out of me so I’m about to explode?
I can’t take this, but I cannot ignore You. I don’t want to. Because somewhere in me
(And I’ll only say this as a whisper)I know it is you.
You did this to me. I find it remarkable almost funny, almost,
That people think I wanted this, like I was greedy for the power. Have they
Known the loneliness, the hostility?
Do they think I want a platform, to blaze a trail? No! You take it all!
Give me acceptance, give me normality, give me friendship and love and fun
Instead of this fire in my bones that burns even me.
This is who I am. I think. A leader I think. I have something to say
It would be so much easier if you listened to me. Why do you smile and still
Ignore my every word?
I think. Yes, I feel, but I think I can’t live in the box you’ve got for me.
Fire needs a torch not a lampshade. I think I might be confident enough
To not need your approval to be who I am called to be.
There are days I wish, I long for guidelines on how to do this.
Instead it’s a labyrinth, in the dark. Its hard and Its tiring.
Am I getting anywhere?
Marriage, children – girls! In it all you kept returning as did the fire.
Occasionally I find a friend in the labyrinth and its healing, because she understands.
So I don’t fight you anymore (much) because I know you are for me, and together we’ll find a way.
“No one’s ever said to me that I could be a strong woman”
“It makes such a difference to see a woman up there.” Spoken with smiles and tears.
Is that fire in their eyes?
Is it hope that I might feel what they feel, fear what they fear, and have something to share?
I hold out a tissue and they wipe their eyes. They’re wondering why my hand remains outstretched.
“Come” I say “I don’t know it all, but here’s what I’ve learned so far…”